foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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