One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
