I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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