my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
