You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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