My first STD was from a foam party
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Randomize
