apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
