Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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