Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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