you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
