so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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