So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
