Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
