his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
