STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
