What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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