Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
