Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
