I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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