WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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