So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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