I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
