This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
