Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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