god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
