the condom got lost in my hair
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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