what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
