I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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