I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
