just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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