you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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