I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
