i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
