I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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