apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
