I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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