my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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