So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
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Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.