Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."