1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
