Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
