I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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