but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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