Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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