Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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