Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
