I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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