Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
