At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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