Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
