I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
