I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
