Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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