i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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