Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
