Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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