I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
