I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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