look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
